Not a sad story anymore!

You go through a sad phase and still manage to pull off a killer smile, you’re considered a happy person. You’re generally happy but still feel like there’s something that you’re missing out on and maybe that’s why you ain’t smiling? That’s when you’re considered a greedy person cus you’re craving for more. You have thousands of followers on Instagram and you’re named as the social butterfly that’s when at times you’re considered lucky (duh). You know tonnes of people and have several friends or several people claiming to be your friend but still you feel like you can’t open up or have no one to talk to? That’s when they label you as alone or depressed and when you wanna cry without being able to give a reason, that’s when you’re labeled as a loser or a psychopath.

It’s so weird to see that people have labels for almost every mood, every phase and every expression and are just ready to paste it on you any minute like why? Why do we let others decide how we’re feeling or what we’re going through? Why do we let em control the inner us? Why do we give them the authority? Maybe because we feel that we’re not good enough, not even for ourselves…. Well honestly can’t blame anyone cus I was the same in fact a part of me is still the same, always waiting for reassurance bout how I’m feeling, how am I looking or what I’m growing through from the people who barely know the real me and somehow I even believed what they told me and that was one of my biggest mistakes.

I told you guys that I’ve been through a lot more than half of the people and less than what the other half went through, I’ve been broken as hell, I’ve been seconds away from giving up, not once, not twice but almost seventeen times, I always craved for someone to talk to and pour my heart out and when I actually made some real friends it was too late cus by that time I built walls (that I name denial) around my heart that just won’t accept any care, affection, attention, honesty and love because I thought that I was meant to be depressed, alone or you can say that I didn’t believe in goodness or positivism anymore like I thought that true people who’re ready to accept you the way you are, don’t exist anymore but I was wrong. I was such a positive person before depression hit me and then all of a sudden it was like I had some kind of force in me that would repel the positive factors and suck all the negative parts making me the worst version of myself in short I was dead on the inside like I was all numb and OHGOD! THAT FEELING SUCKS MAN!! Like honestly feeling that way made me feel even more bad like I felt pity and sympathetic for myself, weird right? I depended on everyone to feel happy and lively but myself as if I couldn’t trust myself to handle me.

Aghhhh if imma get into this ‘not trusting myself’ topic trust me this blog ain’t gonna end so let’s just say that I was sitting in a roller-coaster which was just going down and I knew that the belt wasn’t strong enough to keep me safe but I was just goin with it probably cus I wanted to know what it feels like when you go up after a long down trip and like they say that there’s a good side to everything, well my friends and family made me see that good part a long time back but today is the day when I can actually realize that positive side and feel it in me. I think I’m gonna keep the rest for my next blog so here’s the thing…

I am an insomniac and I’ve been through depression and anxiety but I was labeled as “depressed” for being an insomniac and because I always think more like over-think bout anything and everything. Being a kid I was a tomboy and I’m still one on the inside and because of that I used to hangout with guys and play with em and that was considered okay by everyone and later when I was growing up and then if I talk to a boy or crack jokes with em or call em, I was labeled as a characterless ‘hoe’, ‘slut’ etc.. and people think that it’s nothing but what they don’t realize is how such small words  can put a negative impact on your mind and make you feel disgusted in your own skin. I’ve been labeled as weird because I like my ice cream with hot chocolate I mean c’mon it tastes GREATTT!!!! but I stopped eating my ice cream that way for years because I was afraid of how people would label me I mean ice cream is not the point, the point is that you’re always going to meet people who’ll put labels on you but don’t let those labels define you instead make them a way of refining you, never let any ‘OMG! You’re such a loser’ make you feel like one because you don’t know what if they’re tryina bring you down like this because they can’t reach up to your level, never let any ‘Aw you’re such a loner’ make you feel alone or lonely because that leads to hella over-thinking, trust me on this one because no one knows what you’re feelin except for you and yourself but the sad part is that we don’t know how much happiness in the world do we deserve and that’s 100% of it, that is where I made a mistake, by letting them labels define me which made me a more sad person and took me on the worst stage of life. In short I’ve been dead on the inside for a long time maybe because I always waited for others to make me feel happy and alive also some random  person who’s probably dead now said that “Death is not the greatest loss but the greatest loss is when we lose ourselves on the inside while we’re still alive”.

So now I will depend on myself for being happy and always make myself my own first priority cus I am done being sad and depressed and crying the whole night inside my pillow so shoutout to all the haters for taking me through the shittiest phase of my life and putting up the worst labels possible over my name because it made me Moore determined to bring a change and without going through hell how would’ve I known what heaven feels like also I was never taught to give up but to fight so that’s what imma do and now it’s time to set things right, give life another shot and be the writer of our own stories so here’s the thing… I AM NOT A SAD STORY ANYMORE.

Note: I know that some people might think that this flop motivator who looks so hyped for good days to come will start writing depressive shit and i guess there’s nothing wrong with that i mean mood swings are a part of how we humans are. From this day onward we can’t change ourselves completely but we can make a promise to ourselves that we won’t ever let anything meaningless bring us down, always try our best to see the positive side no matter how tough the times are, be there for each other by becoming each other’s strength and never like ever become one judgmental creep who doesn’t let  others live…. and kindly ignore the grammatical errors cus unfortunately I’m a human, born to make mistakes ya know, also i framed this blog in another way but it turned out to be a weird mess of my thoughts so best of luck figuring out until then Ciao Adios!

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Back at it again..

Hey everyone!

Well it’s me the same depressive, emotionally unstable, tryina be a blogger etc..  back again! To be very honest I was craving to write a blog for a while now but was always out of content or you can say had a little too much content bout my life that I couldn’t sort it out. I still don’t know where am I exactly starting this blog and where will it end eventually but I guess today imma write without thinking because at times where there is thinking involved we don’t really say what we want to but we say what we have to or what others want to hear so right now, no thinking involved!

To be very honest I’m sick and tired of being a depressed psychopath dumb person because that is something that I’m just not! so imma cut this part short but I guess when writing bout my life I should take y’all through the ups aswell as the downs so yeaa….. Honestly I’m not even that old to be this stressed and worried but unfortunately life has weird things to offer, doesn’t it? My life was always complicated or you can say that I thought it was complicated whereas to others it would’ve been quite simple, who knows! I’ve faced quite a lot of problems on this earth already but for about a month I had to go through a huge flood that I never saw coming and ugh trust me man it was such a pain in the ass. This flood almost took everything away from me; my friends, family, teachers etc.. but most importantly it took away my self-respect which made me feel isolated in my own skin, it made me feel like the body that I’m living in is just not mine, it took me far away from myself, so far that I’m tryina find my way back ever since.

You know what was the weirdest thing, well the whole time my family and many of my friends were still supporting me and showed respect towards me but I just couldn’t take that at all because I knew that on the inside they’re very upset because they never expected anything like this from my side and somehow I was so disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t accept any care, attention or any sympathy coming towards me. In reality I was afraid, afraid that all of this happening might change the way people see me, afraid that I might not be able to lift my head up again, afraid that I might lose my family forever, afraid that people would make fun of me and talk about this forever and I had made up my mind that nothing will be like it was before this shit and that’s a fact, things wont ever be the same but another truth is that sometimes a flood brings the best of fertile land on top and leaves with a lot of benefits along with problems.

Whatever happened broke me on the inside completely but at the same time it gave me a little peace that now at this point of my life nothing can get any worse and whatever happened, there’s no point in sobbing bout it because it’s a  fact now and nothing can change it but what is in our control is how we can avoid future problems or save ourselves from snakes. I know it’s a very old school boring line but somehow it changed the way I see things and that line/quote is that “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

To sum it all up I’d say that every human on this planet has problems in their life way more difficult than ours, some confront it while some evade it, some learn from their mistakes and move on while some keep regrets with them their whole life. We humans basically complicate every situation so much that we often lose our track and cry about that one thing that happened ages ago for our whole lives thinking that “UGHH WHY DID IT EVER HAPPEN? WHY WITH ME? WHY THEN? I WISH I COULD JUST CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!” we cry about something that we can’t change like c’mon we cannot go back to 1915 and save Jack from dying while titanic was falling apart, I mean it’s just not practical is it? Therefore we need to learn how to let go, we need to learn how to thank god for not making things any more worse, we need to learn how to accept the reality rather than deny it because to be very honest people just need some hot topic to gossip upon for a couple of days and later when they get a new topic, everything happened before is forgotten.

I KNOW I SUCK AT BEING A LITTLE MOTIVATIONAL BUT I’M NOT TRYINA MOTIVATE ANYONE HERE RATHER THAN MYSELF CAUSE YOUR GIRL NEEDS SOME SERIOUS HELP! AND LIKE THEY SAY “IF YOU CANT HELP YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE CAN”.

So chill out because there’s a lot more to come and you gotta hold your pants tight and go through all of it with courage, strength and dominance over yourself! ALSO JUST ALWAYS REMEMBER ONE THING THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

Note: And see like I said that this blog will start somewhere and end somewhere so probably y’all will know in the next blog bout the initially planned ending that was basically for this blog but now imma have to put it there. Ugh! why am i like this? well nevermind. 

 

 

 

Camouflaged..

Good mornin y’all,

Well today i kinda feel depressed and don’t really know what to write but there’s one thing that i wanna share… for quite a while now people have been asking me that why have i changed sm and have become the kind of a person that i am now. Well there are alota reasons to it but if i wanna sum it all up then Imma share a thought with you guys that I wrote a while back and hopefully you’ll understand;

She was dying inside,
She always tried to hide,
When others were finding it difficult to stay up late,
She was the one suffering to sleep,
She felt isolated,
She wanted air,
She was helpless,
Wanted help,
She wanted a friend,
She needed someone to listen,
She was desperate to share everything to someone but she was afraid that sharing everything would open the old chapter that were forced to close.
She was tired to hear one same reply that “I’m always there for you” though they never fucking understood anything or  “just wait time will heal everything” but sadly thats a total lie. Time never heals anything it just covers your open wound like a cloth but once the damage is done, its done.
Well no one tried to actually see the chasm of sorrow behind her smile,
The tears in her eyes,
The blood pouring out of her heart,
The unspoken story on her lips,
All they ever did was sympathize.
Every other morning she cursed god for keeping her alive. She was a girl filled with life, filled with colors, the girl that everyone loved, she always used to cheer people up in their sadness but unfortunately or I’d rather say purposefully that girl is no more alive.

Everyday she used to write a diary trying to help herself but walking down the memory lane that was deep burried in her heart was like someone was dragging her in a forest, where she could see some beautiful black roses but as soon as she picked em up she got to know that it was just a rose bush filled with thorns that made her heart bleed. She could feel some people around trying to cut the trees and get into the forest but after sometime they were tired and gone too and she was left all alone in the dark screaming at the top of her lungs without anyone to listen and come rescue her, she was stuck, regretting for going after that one rose which was just apparently beautiful and gave her nothing but pain. Writing her was like scratching her open wound, letting it bleed and bleed again and again but she was satisfied that she finally can share her pain though unfortunately she was wrong….
People took her a lil too unseriously, she had a pure heart but everyone fucked it up completely now its merely a pumping organ. Everyone started to consider her a 5- minute cigarette break. Every evening she used to sit down, all the memories flashing in her mind like a slideshow on vcr, slowly moving a blade against her wrist thinking to kill herself and end everythibg forever. People made her feel disgusted in her own fuckin skin and whenever she tried sharing her pain to anyone there was always a single answer “stop dramatizing everything and exaggerating little issues” so thats what she did she started to kill herself silently from the inside and finally when there was someone merely to listen and go and then gossip bout her, it was too late.

Her soul was already taken away, killed maybe. And without a soul how can someone be alive?  In words of the world she is still alive but in reality its just her body, theres no soul inside. No heart, no emotions, no feelings, shes not here anymore or you can say that she has camouflaged and no one can find the real her. Its all black and white now….

NOTE: This ain’t a piece of writing that  deserves  appreciation but i never really share some thoughts and this is one of them because i dont want to get labelled as depressed but i just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and it’s okay to be sad or feel trash sometimes, JUST NEVER GIVE UP!

Breaking free now!

Hello everyone,

Being a bit formal cus this is gonna be my first blog so obviously I need to set an impression infront of EVERYONE else because like they say first impression is the last. But in my opinion it’s NOT true. Trust me it’s not. I spent half of my life living  with this myth that always be good to people when you meet them for the first time but never got to know why? Why should our lives depend on someone else’s opinion? Why should we always care about what people say? Why can’t we be our own analyst? Our own mentor? But oh well still didn’t  get any answer.

I think imma leave all the deep shit for my next blog and just give y’all the basics about what im tryina convey cus pal that’s how it works here. Well the name of my blog means; kawaakari (i.e. glow of a river in the darkness) and mudita (i.e. happiness in the joy of others). This name tells alot about the kinda person I  am and the kind of person that I want to be which imma tell you guys in the next blog. Now I  know alot of people create blogs and probably you’d be thinking that why should u read my blog and truthfully I have no answer regarding this. All imma say is that my whole life I’ve kept alot of shit inside my brain, got nothing but regrets, tried to express and talk it out but there was no one to listen and that was the time when i realised that words can be amazing best friends so that is what i did. I started writing, generally in my word pad or Microsoft office word cus I wanted to keep it to myself. Although this way I felt a little better but it never actually helped cus writing  about my life and reading it again was like putting up a cover over my open wound but never actually treating it but now it’s time to break free. I dont care if y’all dont wanna read what I write and to be honest I’m not even that good with words but I’ll do it for myself cus I wont have this regret that I never tried sharing it after all that I was feeling on the inside.

Hoping for a good experience here,

Ciao Adios.